Talking like a grown up
Ethical persuasion involves learning to talk like a grown-up. Or, put in another way, unethical persuasion involves acting childish, putting our self-interests first.
The apostle Paul, in an often quoted section of his first letter to the Corinthians (chapter 13) says, ” If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” After defining love (“It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”), he makes this interesting observation: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”
In what sense does he change? In the sense that he speaks with love, which is something a childish person can not do. Children, or course, believe that the world revolves around them. They go through a stage of “me first” and “that’s mine.” We expect this, and even tolerate it. “It’s just a stage,” we say, maybe even a necessary one. But we expect them to outgrow it, and if they don’t we say they are being childish.
Sometimes, however, an adult still acts that way, even if their language has become more sophisticated. We still say they are being childish. Childishness is always about putting self first. And, from a theological perspective, so is sin.
All of the abuses which can occur in our communication with others start here—putting our own needs above the interests and needs of others. It is a trap against which the Scriptures constantly warn us. Writing to the church at Phillipi, for example, Paul says “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.”
He’s not talking specific about language here, but he is talking about the attitudes which affect our language—and of course our attitudes do come out in what we say. Jesus said our words reflect the thoughts and intentions of our heart. He put it this way:
“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:45).”
Put another way, the unethical persuader (“the evil man”) has evil in his heart—that’s where the problem starts. And the problem of evil is always a problem of self-love, self-conceit, or self-will— all the things we hope our children will outgrow. And all the things we hope we will outgrow too.
If we don’t, then we stretch the truth, we withhold data, we distort, misrepresent or ignore the consequences of the action we advocate to others. We attack our opponents. We become sexist or racist. Any unethical persuasive practice results from putting our own interests ahead of the company, the country, the family, the church, the other.
That’s why of all the things the Scripture says about how we use our words, the most important is that our motives matter. We are to build each other up “until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature.” Eph. 4:12
Until we grow up.
The biblical test of what we say and how we say it is a tough one, but if we pass it we won’t use unethical persuasive behaviors, we won’t be swayed by them either. The test is explained in Ephesians 4 13-15: “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.”
Here is the test: are we speaking the truth in love? “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up .” That’s the key to talking like a grown up. And while it is simple, it is not easy. In fact, balancing truth and love is often very hard.
How often do we fail to tell the truth because we would rather be nice? A friend or family member needs to be corrected. They are engaged in self-destructive or abusive behavior. We just don’t want to say so. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.
And how often do we tell the truth in order to hurt someone? We just blurt it out, using what may well be true as a club.
The biblical standard requires both equally, love restrained by truth and truth restrained by love. Or maybe restrained is not the right word. Maybe it is love empowered by truth and truth empowered by love. Either way, our message and our motive must both be examined.
If they are not both pure, perhaps we should keep out mouth shut. At least until we fix one or the other or both. That’s what it means to be ethical in our persuasion, or in any other aspect of our communication.
That’s what it means to talk like a grown up.
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