D.L. Moody Stumbles into the Local YMCA
There was a commotion down at the local “YMCA” yesterday afternoon. It didn’t rank up there with the more flamboyant commotions— like the fights one occasionally sees between hockey parents at Pee-wee league games or the sudden disturbances at TCBY when they’ve run out of the Oreo crumbs. No, this one would have been below your average commotion, except for the bizarre claims of the one causing the disturbance. It appears he kept shouting, even as police were hauling him away from the lobby, that he was Dwight L. Moody, nineteenth century evangelist and developer of the “Y”. No one believed him, especially the receptionist, Robin Sullivan of Oak Park, who felt compelled to call the police.
“He came looking for the prayer meeting and Bible study”, explained Ms. Sullivan, still dazed by the encounter and admittedly confused from all the caffein the event forced her to drink. “I kept trying to tell him that he must be confusing us with the Presbyterian church up the street.”
What happened after the initial encounter with the receptionist remains unclear. According to the sketchy details drawn up in the police report, the Moody “wanna-be”, still unidentified, strolled into the facility’s indoor pool asking anyone who would listen for the time of the next baptism. One swimmer, Mark Creighton of Chicago, assumed he was confusing the “Y” with the Baptist church up the street. “He even asked me why I was so brazenly walking around in my undershorts”, reported an amuzed Mr. Creighton. “I ended up inviting him to our synchronized swimming course. You should have seen the way he covered his eyes as some of the women got into the pool.”
Confirmed by over twenty-five people is the “intruder’s” next action. He walked into the gymnasium and started wildly preaching to the members who were deeply involved in their basketball games, aerobic routines and bench presses. “I would have found it funny”, reports Billy Friday of Evanston, a self-described basketball star in the 3-on-3 senior basketball league, “except the old guy starts his sermon just as I’m about to hit a 3-pointer that would have put our opponents away”. The bearded, rotund preacher turned down an invitation to join the action. Several participants assumed he was confusing the gym with the Assemblies of God church up the street.
Officer Joel Grey of the 16th Precinct, where “Mr. Moody” is being held on charges of disdurbing the peace seems just as confused as anybody else. “We still haven’t a clue as to his real identity. I asked for his driver’s liscense and he handed me a gospel tract. Then I asked for his social security number, thinking he was trying to be a smart-Alec, and he told me he was secure in the Lord and that’s the only social security he needed.” However, Officer Grey has no real complaints about his prisoner’s attitude. “He’s keeping his cell mates entertained with the stories about his preaching career and how they need to turn their lives over to God. To tell the truth, he’s a better preacher than that guy on channel 27”, said Grey, who attends the Methodist church down the street from the precinct headquarters.
Police are asking anyone with information about the real indentity of “Mr. Moody” to call them at the 16th Precinct headquarters. “He’d probably be an excellent addition to any of the staffs of the churches up the street, especially if we find out he’s not ‘looney-tunes”, sighed Grey.
“Moody” keeps assuring the police that Ira Sankey, his colleague and songleader at the evangelistic crusades he claims to have held through the years, will post bond, now set at $1000. Thinking they had a lead, police telephoned the two Sankeys listed in the Greater Chicago telephone book. Unfortunately, neither claimed any knowledge of “Moody’s” assurances and only one had any knowledge of music theory. One local television reporter followed up with phone calls and found that neither of the two Sankeys could spell “evangelist” or explain what an evangelist was.
Police officials are hoping that professors at Chicago’s Moody Bible Institute will provide clues. When contacted, Church History Professor William Gilgo, an elder at the Brethren church just up the street from the sight of the commotion, confirmed that police had already contacted him and he agreed to administer his complex “Moody validator”, a test consisting of obscure Bible trivia questions and a review of current events. “If he doesn’t know anything about Micheal Jordon’s retirement, or if he doesn’t care about the latest church growth theory, we might have the real McCoy on our hands”, quipped Gilgo.
Several area church leaders are comparing the incident to the rash of supposed Charles Spurgeon sightings recently in London, England— Spurgeon, the Baptist “prince of preachers” and colleague of D.L. Moody. Half of the church leaders questioned said they would consider inviting either Spurgeon or the incarcerated “Moody” if it would boost Sunday attendance figures.
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